“Real healing happens through feeling. The only way out is through.” ~Jessica Moore
Have you ever loved someone so much that you couldn’t see who they really were, or were you young and naive to the dangers around you?
I’m the first to raise my hand and say I did! I’m someone who trusts people until they tell me why.
trust
Trust can be broken in so many ways by the person you least expect. The one you loved and thought loved you. In some cases, it may not be that they don’t love you, but that there are temporary moments of insanity that interfere with your ability to think clearly — who knows?
But whatever the reason for their betrayal, it can cause so much pain that you feel it in every part of your body. It’s a pain. it’s not a good place.
story time
For me, that moment came on a quiet night in June 2009. It was the calm before the storm that rocked my young life. The month before, I had just turned 20 and was looking forward to summer vacation after finishing my first year of college.
At the time, I was with someone, we had been together for over a year. I told him about certain areas of my life that I didn’t feel like anyone could understand or relate to, so I didn’t want to talk about it.
I trusted him so much that I was confused at first, but he asked me to lend him the key to my house. We thought it was cool. I was young and stupid before you gave me a sideways glance. At that time, I had been living alone for about a year and 10 months after leaving foster home.
I remember that on that dreaded day, a friend came to see me during the day and left early in the evening. I remember right after she left, the guy I was with came into the house and stared at me for quite some time. I asked him why he was staring at me like that. He said nothing, I just looked different. Yes, my hair was straight (I usually wore my hair in a natural afro).
But I knew something was wrong so I asked him if he was okay. He said so and left. I thought it was just lazing around in the flat like any other night.
Around 10 p.m., I was lying on the couch, legs up and no pants on, playing my favorite game on my Nintendo DS. but I assumed it was my boyfriend and didn’t budge…until my living room door opened and I saw a boy with a bandana over his face.
I immediately jumped up and covered myself. I saw several boys with hoods covering their faces take my things while one of the boys held me at knifepoint. The last thing they took was my wallet, but one of the boys had to ask me where it was.
I was so shocked that I couldn’t think, so I said, “I don’t know.” I got smacked in the face for jogging my memory.
it wasn’t over
When they were gone, I quickly got up and ran to the door to hang the chains so they wouldn’t come back. To his surprise of course, he couldn’t get inside, which made him angry. So he ordered me to get the remote and threatened to break down the door and kill me if I didn’t.
Can you imagine being killed with a remote control?
I got the remote and pushed it into the crack. Then he asked me for my laptop password. Then I said, “If it doesn’t work, I’ll come back.”
During this exchange, I called the police in the bathroom. When the boys left, I confirmed that they had stolen my home phone.
Minutes after the conversation with the suspect ended, police knocked on the door. He was arrested near my door and the police were able to recover some of my belongings (now evidence), including the front door key. However, the arrested boy was later charged and convicted.
It was a tough night for me, but the hardest pill I had to swallow was the realization that those boys wouldn’t have gotten my keys without my ex-boyfriend’s consent.
He was the only one who knew how much of what had been stolen, so it seemed too premeditated.
It was the greatest betrayal I have ever experienced. That night, until it happened in real life, I thought I could only tear my heart out at a vampire show (or at least it felt like it).
Having been away from the area for some time after the incident, spending the summer with friends helped me cope better with the aftermath. However, I was in denial for the first few months, so I think it took me some time to heal.
I was completely unable to process what happened. I didn’t talk about it because I had a hard time understanding it and couldn’t find the right words to express how I felt. I was embarrassed to be.
After the summer, I moved to another area in time for my sophomore year of college.
a little encouragement
I want to say to everyone who has experienced betrayal or survived a traumatic crime, memories may never disappear completely, but time and effort will bring healing. increase.
This means feeling, processing and accepting your emotions, reflecting on situations and thinking about lessons learned, and forgiving and letting go so you can keep living.
There are two things you shouldn’t do:
1. Do not suffer in silence.
2. Don’t hold back your emotions and pretend nothing happened.
I’ve done both for years. It wasn’t until I started talking about what happened and being able to feel all the different emotions that came with it that my healing journey really began.
My emotions ranged from confusion, disgust, fear, shame, anger, anger to sadness. They go up and down on certain days. Maybe it was because something triggered me, or maybe it was just because I was thinking about what happened.
Like a broken record, the event can be played over and over in your head. Because eventually you will come to a place of acceptance and you will slowly begin to let go of the pain.
After that, it became very difficult to trust people, especially men. However, I realized that the more I clinged, the more the pain kept me from moving forward.
Not trusting meant I kept people at arm’s length. I wouldn’t let them get too close to me. I seemed cold and detached, so I had few friends and hadn’t been in a romantic relationship in over five years.
I learned that forgiveness is more for me than for the other person, so when I resisted handing over the keys in the first place, I forgave myself first for not listening to my intuition.
Forgiving him without explanation or apology was not easy, but it made me trust him again. For inner peace, and secondly, for refusing to believe he was so callous. Instead, it reasoned that something must have happened to cause the incident.
Whatever you’re going through, it’ll get better, I promise. If you make an effort to heal and grow yourself through that experience, it will only help you become better, not bitter.
About Rita Yvonne
Rita Yvonne is the blogger behind thepmublog.comshe shares her struggles with others and hopes they will be encouraged, motivated and inspired to overcome their own battles. , must pick me up from time to time and assure us that we are not alone. You can also follow her twitter and Instagram.
