“There is no such thing as a ‘bad boy’. An angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive child can express his feelings and We just need the only way to stay in. We owe it to each of them to always remember that.” ~Dr.Jessica Stevens
All children look up to their parents from the moment they enter this world. They pour out of them this beautiful, pure, unconditional love. Parents are on a pedestal. They are the ones who know what’s best! They are adults who teach us how to live life!
I don’t think for a moment that they might be pointing us the wrong way.
I, like many others, loved both my mother and my father. I couldn’t see their flaws, their pain, their trauma. I just loved them and wanted to spend time with them. Even when they shouted at me and told me I was wrong, I believed they were right.
When I had non-existent self-esteem, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts because I believed I wasn’t good enough, I blamed it 100% on myself. I was documenting every moment that made me feel ‘bad’.
When I was struggling in a romantic relationship and constantly chasing unavailable men, I took responsibility for myself and never thought for a minute that this pattern of behavior stemmed from my relationship with my parents. I believed what you told me in many ways – I was the problem!
The reason I struggled with relationships, which I later discovered, was that my parents weren’t actually okay and emotionally immature when they were raising me because of their own trauma.
Here are five signs of an emotionally immature parent and how it affects you.
1. Their feelings and needs were more important than yours.
Emotionally immature parents are incredibly narcissistic and preoccupied with their own feelings and emotions, wanting their own children. youregulate them.
For example, when my mother was upset, I would affectionately soothe her. As I got older she got mad at me if I wasn’t there to appease her when she needed it and told me I was selfish and nobody. I believed her
I had stopped playing with my friends and being a child, but this was not allowed if I couldn’t meet her needs and calm her emotions. I know it’s not safe to choose my needs over hers because I withdraw my love for her. I felt my heart pounding and fear taking over my body.
As an adult, this meant that I believed I was responsible for other people’s feelings, and if they were angry or upset, it was my fault. I always walked around with an egg shell in case I might. relationship made me feel helpless.
2. It was not safe to express my feelings and needs.
When you expressed your emotions, it created a world of panic within your body when it was met with negative reactions from your parents. could have returned comments about how much worse their lives had become, and should stop being so dramatic.
Expressing a need, such as asking for a ride somewhere, could launch an attack about how selfish you are.
What’s wrong? You stopped expressing your feelings and needs and buried them deeply. (For me, it was topped with ice cream and sugar for comfort.) Sometimes as an adult, I become disconnected from my emotions and needs and act like I have nothing.
3. Don’t take responsibility for your actions.
They say or do things that really hurt you, but they don’t admit it or apologize. In fact, they may have just acted as normal.
As a result, their relationship was not repaired. You may have tried to resolve the situation, but you were the only one trying to resolve it. The whole situation will make you feel like you’re insane and don’t know what’s true. You may even be starting to think it’s your fault.
As adults, we may repeat this dynamic in other relationships and feel powerless to repair and solve the problems that arise. This leads to resentment and staying in unhappy relationships because they don’t know it could be the other way around.
4. I don’t know how to control my emotions.
They walked around in their emotions all day long. They didn’t know how to restore balance. Even when I come home exhausted from work, instead of relieving myself of the day’s fatigue, I immerse myself in housework, get so tired and angry that I take out my emotions on others.
They also may not have known what they were feeling. Perhaps they were angry all the time because they lacked the self-awareness to recognize when they were really sad, anxious, or overwhelmed. And because they didn’t know what they were feeling, he didn’t know what he needed to do to feel better.
5. You were forced to grow up faster than your time.
It wasn’t good that you were a child. They found it too stressful, so you were encouraged to grow up a little. Maybe even the little adults who raised them.it wasn’t safety for you to be a child They might get mad, so you couldn’t shout or do something stupid. Your parents weren’t, so you might have learned to be a calm person .
I found myself getting into their very adult arguments as a kid just to try and keep the peace in the house. This is not a child’s role. If you’ve been through the same experience, you may find yourself attracting similar codependent relationships as an adult.
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If this childhood sounds like yours, you’re not alone. There is an inner child inside of you who has missed a lot of love, nurturing, encouragement, and balance, and that may be why you are struggling as an adult.
It’s not because you’re not good enough, or because all the blame lies with you. Because you were raised by emotionally immature parents. In effect, you were raised by children in adult bodies.
Parents may still be dealing with these patterns as adults, as they may be children with even older bodies.
Learning how to emotionally mature yourself so you don’t repeat the same patterns with your own children is a great gift you can give them, but building healthy relationships and finding peace of mind Healing and re-parenting your inner child also means being able to express your emotions and have boundaries so that it is okay for others to do the same to you. I don’t think so.
I felt helpless when people treated me this way, not only in my parents but in other relationships. I tried to be what they wanted and they responded the same way no matter what I did. , focusing on making space for her changed my life.
I now understand that my parents were emotionally immature because they were also raised by my emotionally immature parents. They were mature when it came to money and work, but when it came to emotions, they hadn’t reached that depth because nobody taught them how to manage them.
But we can be the generation to break this pattern by becoming the emotionally mature parents we need. I can do it.
About Manpreet Johar Bani
Manpreet is Podcast Heart’s Happiness She’s also a coach who speaks about generational trauma and helps people rewrite stories by reconciling with their past and learning how to love themselves and their inner child. Check her out Free Masterclass Freedom from Anxiety She shares her own techniques for alleviating anxiety when changing relationships with emotionally immature parents.
