My children have been blessed with the ability to consistently interact with their grandparents on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. Unfortunately, this is not always a gift for some families. have experienced conflicts and tensions that, if left unresolved, can damage the relationship between grandparents and their children.
There is no doubt that a healthy relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is a wonderful thing. What is often overlooked is that the bridge between them is the parent. When that is not taken into account, ripples can begin to affect peace, and sometimes all-out fighting can ensue.
Let me give you an example.
A few years ago, one of my kids skipped a word that’s as common in our house as yelling “Damn!” It was not the rigor of four-character idioms, nor was it swearing or taking the name of the Lord in vain. But my parents weren’t particularly fond of this very popular and vogue word. The child came home crying. My parents were unaware of the impact the incident had on my child. My husband was upset that my parents tried to “parent” our child about us not having discipline issues. . By excluding my husband and I from our children’s disciplinary lectures, my parents violated their guilt for doing something wrong to my children. They also started worrying that my husband and I were “naughty” (because we use that word so often). It was resolved through explanations, compromises, and a willingness to listen on both sides, but it could have easily become wedged.
My parents had to work out for themselves that their daughter and husband had different standards. My children had to learn that there are different sets of standards and that either grandparents or parents are not wrong, they are just different. I learned to respect the boundaries of the world and realized that this particular situation was not a matter of sin and that I was not disrespecting God when I used the word.
In the context of grandparents, parents, and children, three strings bind the family together. If not recognized, respected and carefully manipulated, circumstances (even small ones) can create rifts and undermine the relationships we hold so dear between grandparents and grandchildren. So what are the obvious hallmarks to avoid in order to protect that relationship and not hurt it in the long run?
1. Protect parental rights.
As grandparents, it can be very difficult when your children disagree with the way they are raising their grandchildren. However, challenging custody usually only results in alienation. Instead, act respectfully. Making an impact on your grandchildren’s life is far more important than voicing your opinion or correcting your own child. There will surely be moments when you can have frank and whimsical conversations with your children. In the meantime, be aware of the guidelines they have set, respect them as much as possible, and spend time investing in your grandchildren’s lives.
2. They are not yours.
As hard as it can be at times, remember that your grandchildren are not yours. This means that you really have no “rights” to them as long as you feel that way. Teaching children how to raise grandchildren does not inspire healthy relationships.
The boundaries of this dynamic relationship are important. Perceiving your place as ancillary rather than parental is key to building healthy relationships and regular visits with grandchildren.
3. Say yes.
Grandparents are known to spoil their grandchildren. As a parent, I love and despise this. I despise you, because I’m not as popular as my grandma. Hee hee. But let’s be honest, saying yes to your grandchildren too much can damage your relationship with them. Remember, your grandchildren don’t have to be bought with things, but your time, your investment in you, and your love. ‘s role could be redefined as a wish-granting fairy godmother rather than a loving role model.
It’s important to be aware of the balance. Surely, as grandparents, we can afford to say yes more often than our parents. Still, your grandchildren should understand and enjoy the security that comes with guidelines, boundaries, and a well-placed “no”.
4. Keep your distance.
Sometimes it’s geographically impossible. The miles between you may be a necessary evil that you have to live with. Note that putting a can be harmful.
What does it mean to “keep your distance”? That means inviting and inviting your grandchildren into your world and showing no interest in them. It is important not to get caught. Did your child call you and ask you to watch over your grandchildren? What was your reaction? Sure, life has obligations, but are you making grandchildren a necessary part of your life and time?
Remember, if you don’t nurture a relationship with them when they’re little, they’re likely to become less interested in spending time with you as they get older.
5. Be in a safe place.
Grandparents should be safe havens for their grandchildren. Aside from overt morals and virtues, there are other areas where security can become a wedge that can damage a relationship. Think about shows/cartoons, music you make them listen to, etc. Do you respect your grandchildren’s parents too?
Also, aging and whether we can provide a safe environment for our grandchildren can be a difficult topic. Are your driving skills up to the level required for safety? Are you physically capable of taking care of your grandchildren? Let’s be honest, it can be painful to recognize that your abilities are declining, but you can claim that you are capable of many things and allow children to question/doubt on their behalf. When you rebel, you can hurt your relationship with your grandchildren. Be honest with yourself and them. Recognize your limitations, if any, in order to maintain your relationship with your grandchildren.
As I have discovered, there is no perfect formula for grandparents either. Much of it seems like common sense, but our personalities, beliefs, limitations, and commitments can get in the way of quality relationships.
Grandchildren will cherish their time with you. Your children value your investment in them. However, it requires communication, cooperation, respect and healthy boundaries. Even in the most difficult and delicate situations, first and foremost you need to protect your relationship with your grandchildren and children. This may mean biting your tongue, kneeling and praying fervently, or compromising.
Remember, you are sowing a legacy for your grandchildren. That legacy will live on long after you die.
Photo credit: ©Pexels/Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas
Jaime Joe Wright Winner of the Carroll Award, the Daphne du Maurier Award and the INSPY Award. She is also the best-selling author of her three novels for Publishers Weekly and her ECPA. Jaime Jo Wright, author of the Christie Award-winning “The House on Foster Hill,” lives in the hills of Wisconsin and writes a suspenseful mystery filled with historical secrets. Jaime lives in the land of dreams, exists in reality, and invites you to join her adventures. jimewrightbooks.com!
