“Love is the greatest miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” ~ Louise Hay
When you are unlucky in love, you tend to blame yourself for not being good enough, perhaps blaming fate for not giving you a break yet. People are in happy, long-term relationships, but you just can’t get there.
You may come to the conclusion that something is wrong with you. You are too old or too fat. I don’t even think about it.
I have felt this way for 37 years of my life. It seemed like I was dating the same guy, but in a different body. It always felt the same. Always go after someone who was unavailable in some way. Some had addictions, some were in relationships, some put others first, but the underlying feeling was the same.
Also, I avoided relationships together, ran away from people who wanted me, and told myself it wasn’t what I wanted. In every situation, it ended the same way — I was single, incredibly lonely and hopeless. I was.
I kept searching for love aimlessly in all the wrong places without ever knowing how my childhood influenced my relationship choices. I began my healing journey through reading and listening.
This relationship behavior that I kept repeating was actually a trauma response. Subconsciously, I was finding him in these other relationships.It got even worse after his suicide.
Since then, I’ve learned a lot about how childhood trauma affects relationships.
1. You are in a relationship but do not feel loved.
You are in the relationship you once wanted but you still feel this emptiness and feel like your partner is responsible. prize.
You blame them and they cause you. But do you expect love and care from them that you don’t give yourself? meet love? Are you aware of the way they show love to you? It may be different from your love language. Things may not be right, but are you working to fix the problem instead of blaming or ignoring it?
Our first relationships (with our parents and childhood caregivers) teach us about attachment. Whether your relationship with your parents was at times truly loving, or cold and distant at times, you didn’t grow up with love available and consistent. That’s why relationships can make you feel insecure, and you can feel lonely when you give too much away in relationships.
2. You are a love fixer.
When you date or get married, your partner tends to be the broken bird you are obsessed with fixing. Either way, you’ve found yourself in a toxic relationship that doesn’t feel safe or good.
They can be addicts, and while feeling depleted and unloved, they do everything in their power to save them. You’re almost obsessed with how you can save this person you love.
My relationship with my father, for example, was all about his needs and his struggles with mental health, so I went through the pattern of finding men to fix it over and over again. I was always helping him, and when I did, I received love from him.
3. Chasing unrequited love
You spend all your time and energy chasing people who are incapable of accommodating you in some way. They need a fix, have addictions or family issues, are already in a relationship, or have no intention of committing to you. You’re obsessed with having them choose you, but they don’t, and this drives you into despair.
You just keep trying and sometimes use other addictions to numb the pain. I was addicted to a certain psychic line. This is the beginning of my healing journey. I felt really insane, especially when the object of my affection kept coming forward and running away.
We often attract people who play with us the trauma of attachment from childhood. It’s often the opposite of what we do. So chasing love may attract those who run away.
4. Avoid relationships completely.
Falling in love feels like overkill and just makes you feel so insecure that you may avoid relationships altogether and seem to be working better being single. But loneliness is intense. Hope you are held at night.
To avoid these feelings, do whatever you can to avoid feeling them, such as overworking, caring for others, keeping your social calendar very busy, numbing yourself with TV, or drinking all the time!
When I try to go on a dating app, my heart is pounding and I’m terrified. You return to the safety of being single, wondering what happened to you because you can’t even date.
5. Ignore red lights.
The object of your affection does things that seem unsafe, but you say nothing for fear of losing them. Set boundaries and warning signs that this person might not be good for you. I don’t know how to ignore
You grew up with parents who did the same things, so it feels mostly normal. Your body gets tense around them, but you’re used to it. and very little. I feel like this is the best I can get, so I focus on the good instead of noticing the bad.
6. Relationships feel suffocating.
You are in a safe and carefree relationship, but your brain starts to question it all. Am I attracted to this person? Do I feel suffocated by them? are they the right ones for me? Not even knowing what healthy love is, you convince yourself they are wrong for you and end the relationship. .
7. I don’t think it will get better.
You’re in a relationship because you don’t want to be alone, but it doesn’t make you happy. The fear of being apart and alone is so felt that you just stay. indignant.
Many of us fall into more than one of these categories.
Without healing and inner workings, we subconsciously play out past patterns and stop having fulfilling relationships.
So much of what we’re going through in our relationships is based on past traumatic wounds that we can’t even objectively see what’s wrong. We don’t know what we don’t know. If no one models a relationship that is healthy for those of us growing up, how do we know what it is?
It never occurred to me that my parents’ relationship was unhealthy as constant fights were the norm for me.
Romantic love has been stressful for me for years. Either I was cornering them or they were pissing me off. I didn’t know there was another way.
But understanding my relationship patterns and where they came from was a game changer for me.
Now, after a journey of healing past relationship trauma with my parents through therapy, books, and support groups, I know how to have healthy love. I have learned how to care for myself the way I want others to love me.
This changed everything…
As my relationship with myself improved, so did my relationship with men. I am married now, and I am grateful that my marriage is not like my parents. When there is conflict, we have the tools to work through it and become stronger.
We have a strong relationship mainly because I have done a lot of inner work and healing. I also know how to express the needs and boundaries of
I finally took responsibility for my actions and got out of victim mode. As a result, the quality of the love I received was healthier.
Our internal problems show up in our relationships. When you heal within, everything changes.
Make it a priority to love yourself the way you want someone else to love you. Notice that your relationship is causing negative emotions and ask yourself, “What do I need?” Start by giving yourself what you need. Then you will learn to ask others for what you need. Shower yourself with your own love and everything changes.