“Empaths weren’t born to be victims, they were born to be warriors. Be brave. Live strong. We need everyone’s hands on deck.”・Martin
From the moment I entered this world, I felt the pain of others strongly. Especially the one in my house. They weren’t okay, and I felt it deeply.
Their intense negative emotions made me uneasy. I lived with my parents and grandparents. Two generations of oppressed and abused women who I loved so much.
Not all men are bad. They were kind, deep, and full of love. But then they turn into heavy drinkers and explosive tempers. Jekyll and Hyde, both my father and grandfather.
I felt both their darkness and their light and believed I might be able to fix them.
From an early age, I subconsciously realized that my energy, love, and light can calm my environment.
When she was upset and sad, hugging her sometimes changed her energy and made her smile. That way I would feel safer.
I used to play with my grandmother when she was sick. I could see hope in her grandmother’s eyes. A little pain disappeared from her body.
I realized that if I did what my father wanted, his temper would calm down a bit and I would see my lovely father. he was happier
From an early age, I learned that my supernatural ability to sense other people’s emotions could keep me safe.
I felt I had to take care of others, please them, try to fix them, and regulate their emotions by being a place where they work through them.
If other people are fine, so am I. Then I was safe. Well, my child’s brain thought! All unconscious, of course.
I learned to let go of my power in order to feel some kind of emotional security. I learned to deeply understand the needs of others, but I was disconnected from my own.
This earned me the Favorite Daughter and Granddaughter award, but the problems in my home were getting worse over the years.
Three of the four adults I lived with have passed away due to trauma. My father took his own life, my grandfather got drunk and committed suicide, and my grandmother had serious health problems.
I didn’t exactly help them with these patterns, even though I tried to fix them.
I knew how to take care of others, but I didn’t know how to love myself, so I think they robbed me of my own happiness.
This manifested itself in adulthood as follows.
1. I was unnecessary and useless.
I didn’t even recognize my own needs, and I didn’t know what my dreams were. That it existed for everyone.
I was validated as a child by being there for others. I received love too! So I have learned to put others first and shut down my own desires.
I was always hungry for love and attention. I look for it outside and always think that someone else can give me what I couldn’t give.
There was no concept of self-care. It was all about someone else. I didn’t even know what self-love meant, nor did I realize that I was neglecting my own basic needs.
2. I have always been in toxic relationships.
I have lived for others.
I was on an emotional roller coaster ride with other people and their emotions, be it friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships.
I always gave more than I received. I thought if I shine, love and give, they will be fine. But it wasn’t.
I was where they were taking everything out. I had no boundaries so they could do whatever they wanted. They can have emotional outbursts and I accept that.
They treated me mutedly and could blame me for their feelings, and I apologize.
They could tell me terrible stories and the next moment they could speak lovingly.
But my heart was in a lot of pain. Their treatment confirmed my destructive beliefs. I wasn’t worthy of being loved, and if other people weren’t okay with it, I wasn’t getting it.
3. I turned to emotional eating and found comfort in gaining weight.
I didn’t feel comfortable feeling someone else’s pain and ignoring my own. The adults around me didn’t teach me how to deal with this.
But food was an easy-to-get comfort that helped ease the pain. This allowed me to numb all the emotions I felt—my own and those of others.
I started gaining weight at an early age. It felt like it was protecting all the darkness of the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate being fat and my body and diet have started a war. But being fat made me feel like I was disappearing, and I felt a little safer. All unconsciously, of course.
4. I have always been lonely.
I chased love from emotionally unavailable men. They were either addicts or in unhappy relationships. When I felt they needed repairs, I went full-in! I made it my life’s mission to make them happy, and I made myself miserable in the process.
It was all about them, never about me.
One man in particular changed after being inspired by my love, but after that I became stifled by his needs and ran away from the relationship.
I was single all the time. Years of no relationships, or years of chasing love, sometimes I ran away.
All scenarios meant I was alone and in constant pain of love.
On the one hand, I have great friendships, and one friend told me: I didn’t know the answer at the time, but I know now that I believed that was all I was worth and that I was disconnected from my own needs.
5. I have had suicidal thoughts.
I didn’t see the point in my life. I felt like I was a supporting character in someone else’s story. A maid of honor to throw the perfect baby shower. But my friends didn’t know how I struggled.
They were happy and wore the same mask, but inside they were filled with self-loathing. I was exhausted from taking care of others and being a place for others to work out their feelings.
I didn’t want to kill myself because I couldn’t hurt anyone else. I lived to please others, and I knew my suicide would break their hearts, but I didn’t live because I really wanted to.
6. I was obsessed with saving people.
I was almost obsessed with filling my time with other people and their needs.
My schedule was busy pleasing others, doing things I wasn’t asked to do, and trying to heal their pain.
At the time, I didn’t know my behavior was an addiction called codependency. Anonymous codependent. The group was literally formed because helping others was destroying people’s lives.
The change was excruciating because I felt the pain beneath my urges and had to make different choices. I finally had to learn to love myself and let that light shine. I had to.
7. I felt helpless.
I’m addicted to Drama Triangle! I have either rescued people from relationships that left them feeling helpless, or I have been the victim of relationships where I was bullied but too scared to stand up and set boundaries.
I was running away from conflict because I felt other people’s pain was more important than my own. I always allowed others to let out their emotions and didn’t protect myself.
8. Hiding to avoid the feelings of others.
The world and its problems felt like many. It still happens occasionally, so I don’t watch the news. It literally makes me cry.
I hid in my room eating, daydreaming, sobbing and bingeing Grey’s Anatomy.
But now I realize that this behavior means I need love, care, and emotional adjustment for myself. can.
The empathetic girl has grown and learned that loving and healing herself is the way she spreads her light to the world.
I can now serve and help others from a healthy place while taking care of myself.
I have found a romantic relationship and am now married to a man who makes me feel calm and safe. I know how to love
I found my dreams and I live them every day.
If you can relate to what I’ve written, please make an effort to heal your wounds and stop living your life painfully fixating on the wants and needs of others. You can help people from a healthy place without worrying about pleasing or fixing.
It starts with digging deeper into why you are focusing all your energy on the other person and realizing that you are facing the pain you are avoiding by trying to fix them. It’s not an easy process and may mean spending a lot of time in therapy, journaling, and feeling good about yourself, but if you put in the work, you’ll make progress in the end. , that by addressing your own wounds and problems, you are likely to encourage others to face their own wounds and problems.
Leading by example creates a healing ripple effect in the world.