“I’ve always wondered why people leave so easily. What I should have wondered was why they wanted to stay here.” ~ Samantha king
Are you afraid to speak the truth or ask for what you want?
Do you tend to neglect your own needs and pleasing people?
Do you find it difficult to be alone?
Have you ever felt panic or anxiety when someone important to you left your life or felt like they were going?
If so, don’t blame yourself like this. Most often it comes from a wound left behind, some kind of trauma that happened in childhood.
Relationships can be painful and difficult at times, but your difficult feelings can run deeper. It’s as if you were “frozen in time” when you were first injured, and you still feel and act the same.
Abandoned scars can lead to consistent challenges in relationships, especially important ones. We may fear confrontation, rejection, or being unwanted. For this reason, we willingly surrender ourselves as a strategy for survival.
We are unable to think clearly when we are in a situation that activates the wound of abandonment. Our fears and painful emotions flood our systems, filtering our perceptions and our old stories begin to play and dictate our actions. Or kicking, crying, screaming, or suppressing your emotions like you needed to when you were a kid.
When an abandoned wound is triggered, it automatically goes into regression, returning to the original wound, reaction, way of thinking and feeling. We also default to the meaning we created when we formed the belief that love is not safe if taken away.
Abandonment scars from childhood can range from physical or emotional abandonment, being ignored or treated quietly, having parents who are emotionally unavailable, or shouting or punishing for no reason. may occur.
With abandoned scars, you may feel the need to get love and approval. You may not feel good enough. And because we don’t trust love, we can’t build walls to receive love and be intimate.
We may try to numb wounds and pain with drugs, alcohol, overeating, workaholics, etc. They may also hide certain aspects of themselves that were not accepted in their youth, creating internal conflicts.
So how do our abandonment wounds begin? Let me paint a picture from my personal experience.
When I was in third grade, a woman came into our classroom and checked our hair for lice. When she came in, her heart was pounding and she panicked.
Where did this fear come from? When I cried, got angry, got hurt and had to go to the doctor, or accidentally broke things in the house, my father would get mad at me. Did you do it on purpose? No, but I was punished many times, screamed at, sent to my room, abandoned, hurt, and felt unloved.
When I was 10, my parents sent me to summer camp. I kicked and screamed and said I didn’t want to go. I was afraid to leave them.
When I got there, I cried all night and had a fight with another girl. On the third day, I got up early and ran away. Her counselor found me and tried to hug me, but I kicked and hit her and tried to move her away from her.
I was sent to the director’s office and he got angry with me. He picked me up, took me out of his office and put me in front of his flagpole. I had to stay there he had six hours until his parents came to pick me up. When they got there, they put me in a car, screamed at me, and punished me for the rest of the week.
When I was 15, I was diagnosed with anorexia, depression and anxiety and was admitted to my first treatment center.
When my parents dropped me off, I panicked. I was so scared and cried for days. Then my worst nightmare came true. My doctor said they were going to separate me from my parents. I was not allowed to speak or see them for a month. All I could think about was how I could get out of there and go home and be with them.
I couldn’t understand what was going on. I just wanted my parents to love me, want to be with me, and treat me like I mattered, but instead they kicked me out and locked me up.
I started to feel that something was wrong with me, that I was worthless, and I felt a lot of shame. These and many other experiences created a negative self-image and a fear of abandonment.
For over 23 years I was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. I acted in a self-destructive way and lived in a state of hypersensitivity and anxiety.I was always concerned about what other people thought of me. As I played the conversation in my head, I realized that someone’s emotional state had changed, and I was terrified.
It was a very exhausting method. I was depressed, lonely, confused and suicidal.
There are many experiences that trigger abandoned wounds, but the one I’ve found to be most activating is a breakup.
When we are in a relationship with someone, we invest part of ourselves in that person. When they leave, we feel like that part of ourselves is gone/abandoned. We may believe they are the source of our love.
Therefore, true abandonment wounds arise from a disconnection from inner love. This most likely happened when we abandoned ourselves as children trying to get love and attention from our parents and/or when our parents abandoned us.
When I broke up with someone I really liked, it was intense. I panicked. I was emotionally attached to her and did everything I could to try and get her back, I was devastated when she left. I cried for weeks. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed.
Instead of trying to change how I felt, I let myself feel it. I realized that my emotions were strong not only because of the situation, but because the deep wounds from my childhood had been reactivated. Over the years I have been healing, there are more layers and parts to see, hear, care for, and love.
The “trigger event” of the breakup was not easy, but I needed to experience deeper healing and a deeper, more loving connection with myself.
When we are involved in trauma reactions, as I was, there is no logic. Sure, you can take a deep breath. Doing so may make you feel better and help your nervous system relax in the moment. But we have to deal with the original sources of our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
Healing the wounds of abandonment is realizing that the past can still influence our thoughts, feelings and actions. It’s aware of stories and patterns that make us want to protect, protect, escape. Helps the inner child feel recognized, seen, heard, safe and loved.
Healing the wounds of abandonment doesn’t happen quickly. It takes self-awareness and a lot of compassion and love. It is the process of finding and accepting our authenticity, feeling at peace, and coming home.
Healing does not mean never being triggered. In fact, our triggers help us understand what is inside us seeking our love and attention. We need to be aware of what is happening. This will help us understand the beliefs that drive our emotions.
Beliefs such as: I don’t care, I’m not loved, I’m afraid, I don’t feel important. These underlying beliefs get masked when we focus on our anger towards the person or what is happening. You can work on the parts and help them feel loved and safe.
Those of us with abandoned scars often become man-pleasing, and some say that man-pleasing is manipulation. Pleasing people is a survival mechanism. This is what I felt I needed as a child to be loved and safe, not a pattern that can be easily broken.
Our systems are “trained” and when we try to do something new, such as respecting our needs or telling the truth, the fearsome part inside us fears and puts the brakes on.
Healing is a process of kindness and compassion. The hurt and traumatized parts of us are fragile. They need to be cared for, loved and nurtured.
Healing is the ability to enjoy, to create from authentic expression, to follow what feels right to us, to honor our heartfelt desires and needs, and to find and do what makes us happy. There is also something to do.
There are many paths to healing. Find what works for you. For me, the energies of anxiety and abandonment were held in my body, so talk therapy and cognitive work did nothing.
I was able to heal my deepest wounds when I began to work with my inner child to help the parts of myself that were at odds to survive reconcile with each other. I became more caring and loving, and I felt peace in my heart.
Healing takes time, but you are worth it, but know that even with your scars and scars, you are beautiful, worthy, and loved.
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About Debra Mittler
Debra Mitler A warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people’s hearts and souls. She enjoys helping others love and accept themselves unconditionally, feel at home in their bodies, and live authentically. , which holds a space of unconditional love and provides encouragement, effective tools, and valuable insights to support clients and enable them to experience and hear their inner wisdom. .