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Carolyn Hax: Grandma moves next door, sees chance to rewrite rules

by TodayDigitNews@gmail.com
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Dear Carolyn: I am a 75 year old single woman. Recently, she was fortunate enough to move into a house her eldest son bought next door to her to spend time with her young grandchildren. I moved from another state and am a part of their lives almost every day, a win-win for me, my grandchildren and my parents alike. I love being a mother and homemaker, and I bring that same joy to being a grandparent, and I feel this is where I shine.

My problem concerns my daughter-in-law. I feel that many of her rules regarding children are too strict, unnecessary, and very pleasing to them and to me, but I believe these rules need to be respected. However, there is one area that has bothered me for a long time, and now that I live nearby and have some control over it, I would like to hear your opinion on it.

Gifts sent in the mail were often not opened on the same day, sometimes weeks later. I can understand her rules for when things are open, which can sometimes be difficult and things are delayed, but when it comes to my gifts, I generally feel a lack of urgency. She has control over how things happen in that household and her focus is primarily on her own family. It really robs me of my joy.

I live next door, so I would like to give a present at my house on that day. Opposition from the wife is to be expected. Sometimes I feel like I’m tied up in many ways about my kids, but if my daughter-in-law doesn’t object so often, we should be having a lot of fun. Note: When I was their guest, I was not allowed to wash dishes, fold laundry, put away toys, etc., which I did not live up to her standards. I’m sure it’s the body. Of course she has her good points too and her son seems to be happily married, but I have to fight every day because her body language and facial expressions towards many of us are annoying.

next: If I understand you correctly, you see living next door as an exciting new opportunity to finally win a power struggle with your strict daughter-in-law.

In other words, they celebrate their Powerball wins and try to shoplift candy.

Your position within this family is not only solid, but beyond the wildest dreams of anyone who has a daughter-in-law on Flint’s side. I hope you will take my inbox word on this matter.

And while I 100 percent accept your position that you’ve been tight-lipped about how she does her household chores, and feel your frustration caused by that, a big part of your story is totally Not true.

Basically, I agree with the argument that “she takes the initiative” to favor her own relatives in a marriage where she acquired the house next door for her mother-in-law, who clearly isn’t her biggest fan. you can’t.

do you know where i came from?

I hope so. Because the risks to your relationship with your son’s family are already high and have only increased – access to grandchildren, love, inclusion, community, shelter, age-appropriate care – and in the same move, already- The little bets throughout the timing of opening the gift wrap turned out to be nothing short of amazing.

Trust me on this one too. As sympathetic to our self-defined emotional power as I am, but just as vulnerable to her “frequent disapproval” as you are, take advantage of being close to you. It seems terribly misguided to try to regain control over family rituals by Her resistance is not personal. You say to yourself that she is like this to “many of us.”

Instead, use your motherhood talents in deeper ways and encourage them not to regret moving next door. (I am a child.) Use them to think bigger and be the mother (mother-in-law) your son and daughter-in-law need. Don’t throw away your self-image or let your brilliance dull, but tweak both to reflect the role you currently play in your family.

From where I’m sitting, it’s clear what the couple welcomes. They want you to be close, they want you to be involved with the kids every day, and they want you to leave the system of folding towels, putting toys in, and opening presents. Such clarity may not be as impressive as buying a house, but it is a generous gift too.

FYI: I have an opinion on “Her Rules”. But what I think of them doesn’t matter unless and until they ask me what they think of me.

You yourself can take that very position with real conviction. It’s not just “I have to follow these rules,” but “Oh, I’m going to be a grandma every day, and I don’t need dishes!” Or at least it can’t be put there on purpose?

And choose to ditch the gift altogether? I can’t remember a battle I wished I hadn’t been chosen so badly.

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