“The more I take care of myself, the healthier my boundaries are.” ~ Lorraine Niron
I want to talk about the direct correlation between boundaries and self-love. Because when we truly love ourselves and have a healthy self-esteem and self-concept, setting boundaries becomes a natural extension of that.
Without boundaries, we either end up with walls that shield us from others, creating a feeling of deep isolation and loneliness, or we become entangled with others. We often find ourselves living by the side of the road, managing, repairing, caring for them, or working overtime to meet their needs, while neglecting our own and individual well-being and needs. I notice.
As children, we were often rewarded for being relatable, submissive, quiet, pleasant, easygoing, and unobtrusive. The underlying message was that we are not entitled to ownership of ourselves.
As long as we obeyed what the great men said, we benefited from them, but if we crossed that line, we would be in trouble. It hurt and was so embarrassing for us that we needed to disconnect from our true selves instead. We simply became people who played a role in gaining acceptance and approval, at the expense of our own needs and desires.
I myself have been on both sides of the coin. I had no boundaries for most of my life and was unable to give and give to others to protect myself and my personal needs.
A good example of this was when my husband and I went on vacation many years ago. We had a great time, but when I got home, I experienced an almost debilitating sadness and anxiety.
I remember feeling uncomfortable in my body and wanting to crawl out of my skin. As I sat feeling uncomfortable sadness, I realized that it was a deep sadness.
During my vacation, I felt free. It made it easier for me to decide what I wanted to do each day and how I wanted to spend my time. In my usual “no vacation” life, I felt stifled and felt a sense of obligation to everyone.
I realized that I was living someone else’s life. I’ve built a life that other people look at and think, ‘Wow, she’s got it all,’ but it just wasn’t a life that felt true to me. The sadness I encountered that day was due to the reality that I had lived for everyone but myself.
I had ticked all the “right” boxes of what my parents wanted and what society expected of a good child, but I was miserable.
After this experience, it still took me some time to figure out my over-pleasing and soothing ways. In the end, after twice torturing my adrenal glands with too much giving, too much serving, and never-ending worrying about what others thought of me, I flipped the pendulum to the opposite pole and started building walls. . I was tired of people using me for energy.
“No” has become my personal mantra. Until one day I woke up and realized how incredibly lonely and isolated I was. I defended myself to the point of shutting everyone out.
We connect with a connection, a community, a group of people that we feel we belong to. Our nervous system works beautifully when we feel safe in the company of others and can experience the dance of co-regulation.
We want to move toward healthy boundaries that are flexible, fluid, and give us the opportunity to change. Healthy boundaries are not completely loose and open, but they are not the opposite of being closed or guarded.
Boundaries and attachment styles are closely related. Our first attachment was to our mother, our primary caregiver.
If we have a mother who is compassionate, kind, and consistent when we are in trouble, we can build what we call a “secure attachment.”
If we don’t have this experience and our mothers were surly, closed-minded, cold, inconsistent, and unable to tune in to our feelings and emotions as children, we are called anxious attachments. produced something. As adults with this type of deep anxiety, we are more likely to have another adult fill our needs or fill the void in our hearts.
My own mother controlled the emotional atmosphere in the home. She just clenched her chin and wrinkled her brow, and I immediately felt like I was walking on her eggshell. Growing up in an emotionally closed and austere household, I believed that I was responsible for other people’s feelings and that if someone was upset it was my fault.
I wasted hours, days, weeks worrying that someone was mad at me or hated me. There was a huge hole in my heart, and I tried to fill it with the evaluation and acceptance of others.
It took me decades to learn how to be kind to myself and how to give my inner child what it needed: approval and acceptance. and “kind” witnesses. (I once heard one of my mentors use the phrase “full of kindness” and it stuck with me. It simply refers to being kind to yourself).
Building healthy boundaries requires learning that others cannot provide the inner security and security we need. Our healing work requires nurturing ourselves and learning to provide ourselves with the inner security we need and crave.
This task is not always easy. It takes time to learn how to nurture yourself and build an unwavering sense of reliability and integrity. Ironically, however, when we learn to meet our own needs and realize that we can create our own inner security, we build the exact foundations needed for better intimacy and friendship. can.
The best thing we can do is learn to stay true to ourselves and be true to who we really are.
Your needs, your tastes, your desires, and your desires are what make you who you are! You’ve probably heard it a million times, but you probably need a million times. really understand that. Any relationship that requires you to surrender yourself to keep the peace is not a healthy relationship.
As we begin to build healthier selves and recognize our own worth, we begin to become less tolerant of those who abuse us or devalue us. Being in our energy is a privilege, not a right. (You can say this to yourself every day.)
When we believe this, over time, we attract healthier people who respect us because we respect ourselves. By shedding the false selves we once created to gain approval and stay safe, we give ourselves the opportunity to explore what our hearts really need and want. .
Maybe those around you, who have always been accustomed to you being easy-going, going with the flow, and not swaying, may find your newfound boundaries a little inconvenient. I recently had this situation as well. Her friends begged for an older version of me that could no longer accommodate her whims and needs. She loved me when I was able to build a one sided friendship for her but I just couldn’t do it anymore.
My new rule is that a two-way relationship is the only one for me.
What I love most about boundary work is that it’s incredibly honest. We let people see who we really are because our boundaries are based on our values and needs.
We say, “This is what I need, this is what I want. Can this fulfill me?” gives us the opportunity to build relationships based on genuine honesty and truth.
Having healthy boundaries requires that you are healthy, whole, and grounded in your truth. Building loving relationships and lives requires you to step up and express this truth.
I’d like to leave you with two exercises to start working on your boundaries. These exercises look simple but are incredibly powerful. One of my favorite sayings these days is “little + often = a lot”.
By repeating these practices over and over again, they become embodied. We don’t have to think about them so much anymore as they are starting to become second nature.
1. No more autoresponders.
From now on, when someone asks you something, you must answer immediately and give yourself at least 24 hours to answer.
This exercise is important because it gives you a chance to pause and check your body.
If we are accustomed to codependency, good boy/good boy, or people-pleaser patterns, our immediate response will always be “yes” 150% of the time. This practice breaks that pattern and gives you the pause you need to see what stretches and feels good for you.
2. Take time to write in your journal about the following questions.
- In what ways/areas/relationships do I empower myself?
- Am I putting up with not feeling well anymore?
- How did I get rewarded for not having boundaries when I was a kid?
- What current situations/relationships give you the opportunity to start exercising your boundary muscles?
These two exercises are powerful tools to help you discover and implement new options and remedies.
And finally, if you feel like you’re hitting a wall when it comes to your boundaries, there’s only one way to get out of it. Yes, it feels rugged. No, you can’t always get your newfound bounds “right” (hello good boy). But with practice and support, you can definitely get to the other side.
Let’s enjoy a free and vast life together that you can’t even imagine.
About Krista Resnick
Krista Resnick is a Master Certified Coach and Restorative Yoga Teacher who helps women break free from toxic patterns of pleasing, neglecting and overwhelming.grab her free Boundary from inside to outside Strengthen your perimeter muscles and begin to position yourself.connect with her Instagram and Facebook.
