“You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly fine to feel sad, angry, frustrated, frustrated, scared, or anxious. Emotions don’t make you a ‘negative person.’ That’s what makes you human. ~ Lori Deshen
In November, I was suddenly on a rollercoaster of unexplainable rage-filled emotions, crying hysterically for no reason, barely sleeping, and feeling the physical urge to kick, punch, and scream. rice field.
One of the main triggers was when my partner went out without me.
When he went out to play pool with his friends, I immediately closed my heart, shut him out, and turned inward.
As I lay in bed, my thoughts began to spiral out of control.
what if he gets hurt?
He is an adult playing billiards. he won’t get hurt.
Is he picking up other women?
no he loves me
why didn’t he invite me?
Having time for myself is something I cherish.
We are in a loving and committed relationship and have been together for 4 years, why won’t he propose?
Wait, do I really want to get married? Or did society tell me to get married?
Why isn’t he texting me?
he is with his friends That’s good.
What is wrong with me? Why am I irritable, controlling and jealous? Why can’t I support his time with his friends as he does for me? forever…
Then the bodily sensations dominate my body.
My body was hot, my heart was pounding, and I wanted to escape from my body. The urge to kick, scream, and hit. I couldn’t relax.
I suppressed my emotions and relied on the quiet, calm side of myself to try to defuse the situation through conventional methods of meditation, breathing, and reading, but all failed miserably. bottom.
I couldn’t understand why someone like me, who was usually cool and optimistic and could quickly identify and change negative thoughts, was not working.
Not understanding what the heck was going on made me feel even more angry, frustrated, and helpless.
So through talk therapy, coaching, and journaling, I turned to my inner child. The inner child wants to be seen, heard, and loved, but builds walls to protect itself.
Interacting with my inner child has been a great liberation and a few discoveries for me.
In my relationships (and new businesses), I had a deep fear of abandonment and a fear of the unknown.
My partner and I had just completed an 18-month journey in which we spent most of our time together, and my fear of abandonment grew. I became comfortable in my little haven, isolated from the rest of the world.
And now we’re back in the real world, interacting with people, getting used to new cities and new jobs.
It felt like we weren’t spending any more time together. I expected him to propose during our trip, but he didn’t. I thought he was leaving me.
To tell you the truth, these are all made up stories in my head.
In fact, we still spend a lot of time together and got to know each other even more intimately and deeply during our year-long trip. (And the proposal was just around the corner!) We were just adjusting to our new way of life.
I also began to realize that I wanted to express a part of myself that I had never expressed before.
Tears and physical discomfort were signs that a part of me was being suppressed. The part I was repressing was the part of me that had been told I was too emotional, too loud, too loud.
I was taught that being stoic and quiet was a virtue.
I was taught that showing emotion was a sign of weakness.
We have been taught that women are to be seen, not listened to.
I began to realize that expressing emotions was actually a strength and that I deserved the space.
I realized that my anger, frustration, and sadness could not be calmed down or calmed down by breathing or meditation. Rather, I needed to reinforce these intense emotions and express them in a healthy way.
Here are three strategies I use to reinforce difficult emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness.
1. Shake it off. Put your whole body in it and tremble and stomp. Instantly release tension.
2. Shout out loud. Get in your car, turn up the music, and scream until your vocal cords get tired. After I’m done, I always think, “Oh, it felt good.”
3. Use up. You won’t feel sick after running, especially after running in the rain.
Each of these tactics has a physical nature. Because sometimes our emotions are just energy that needs to move through our bodies. (I recommend combining these three physical practices with mindset work to understand and work through your beliefs, doubts, and fears. is.)
Therefore, if you are feeling an emotion that is too intense to be calmed or calmed down, it is advisable to match the intensity of that emotion with a healthy physical release.
And know that fear of abandonment in a relationship is perfectly normal (this is a survival instinct and can be exacerbated by childhood trauma). So let go of self-judgment and give yourself a little respite.
(Also, at the time of this writing, my fiancée is attending his bachelor party, and I’m happy to report that I’m 100% unpanicked. This is therapy. , mindset work, and the result of physical practice!)
We can explore what is happening and transform that fear into deeper love, more joy, and expanded intimacy.
So let’s know and express our complete and completely imperfect selves.