“The best apology is to just admit your mistake. Dinsky
In January 2016, Baltimore was in the middle of a snowstorm. Outside, the city was covered in three feet of snow. A blizzard party was held inside. My boyfriend, his 5 friends, and me.
We were coloring, listening to music, dancing and playing games. I already knew it would be one of the most cozy and enjoyable nights of my life. Happy everyone. The energy was easy and fun.
Later in the night, my boyfriend turned on the lights in the basement. It was a combination of LED lights and Infinity his mirror that he made with his friend his E. They both controlled Lights his show and music from an app on their cell phone.
We were all in the basement listening to music, dancing and enjoying the lights, except for one friend who went to bed early.
Eventually, the group in the basement began to disband. I went upstairs and so did my friend’s E. There were several people in the kitchen. Someone went out to smoke. I realized that my boyfriend was the only one still in the basement, and then I heard him coming up the stairs.
As he walked into the doorway, I found him eerily cool, but I also felt an anger welling up beneath the surface. He approached our friend E, pecked him in the chest, and said, “How long has it been going on?”
I knew immediately what “this” was. So was E, but everyone else was ignorant.
My boyfriend told everyone to get out of the house (in the middle of a blizzard). All except me and E and another friend he asked to stay as a neutral party. Someone woke my friend who was sleeping upstairs. We all left and trudged home through three feet of snow. (Luckily we were all neighbors so didn’t have to go far).
I don’t know what they were thinking, but I suspect everyone was confused and uneasy.
My boyfriend started interrogating E and me because he read the messages between us on E’s phone.
That was my message. “I can’t wait to kiss you again.”
Woof. I wish I could say that this moment was scary. But I didn’t. Because I honestly didn’t expect this moment to happen.
I had vowed earlier that day that I would never touch E again, so I didn’t expect that to happen. I realized I didn’t love my boyfriend anymore and was going to wait until he finished his thesis in a few months and break up. In the meantime, I’m not going to pursue what I felt for E.
I thought I should tell my boyfriend honestly that I’m no longer in love with him and that I’m breaking up with him. It was a good plan.
I felt guilty for having an affair with E and for the feelings I had for him, but never had sex or even been near it. I also knew that my being unfaithful was a sign of the fact that I needed to get out of this relationship. I crossed a line, and I knew why, so I wasn’t going to cross the line until I talked to my boyfriend.
It was a good plan. Except for the fact my boyfriend suspected something was going on. (Of course he did. People know. People always know.)
There we were subjected to intense interrogation in the middle of the night in the middle of a blizzard. Time passed slowly. It was all very surreal and nightmare.
The question was something like: “When?” Where? how often? why? To another friend: did you know? (He had no clue).
The interrogation went on and on and finally my boyfriend told E and our friend to leave. Then it was just the two of us.
What I remember most about the rest of that night is lying together on the couch crying. I was crying because she had hurt someone she once loved deeply. He was crying because he was hurt by the one person he thought he would never do and could never do.
What I remember most about the next week before the move was lying in bed with him watching. rick and mortyAnd we had the most open and raw conversation we’ve had in years.
I remember being very sad.
I also remember being very relieved.
I didn’t have the words to describe it at the time, but it was a relief from the death that was happening and the rebirth that was about to happen.
In truth, I’m happy now, so I can’t say I regret the outcome. And as far as I know my ex is happy too. And if I had continued in that relationship, this happiness would not have existed for either of us. In the words of Liz Gilbert via Glennon Doyle, “There is no such thing as one-way liberation.”
But I regret how it happened. I wish I was mature and smart and strong enough to know that I didn’t want this relationship anymore before it turned into an affair.
I wish I knew more about myself.
I wish I had known that I could just walk away without doing something this horrible or causing me so much pain.
I regret how I made him feel.
I regret disappointing a friend who I thought would never do such a thing. something like that.
I regret, sometimes deliberately, sometimes deliberately, pulling E up for so long and toying with his emotions.
I regret continuing this relationship way past the deadline because of how unworthy I was.
I am still recovering from this experience and I can’t blame anyone but myself for the pain. It’s really a miracle that you can heal the pain you caused yourself.
It’s strange to feel healed while living a dreamy life of happiness and nourishment, but that’s exactly what I do.
On that night of the blizzard, there were deaths. My own death that I didn’t like. An opinionated, backward-looking, sex-hating, scared and incapable of imagining a more expansive and beautiful life.
This death opened a portal for me to return to myself. That’s the journey I’ve been on for the last seven years. And it’s a beautiful one.
I’m sorry if you were hurt by someone who was unfaithful. I sincerely apologize. You didn’t deserve it. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Learn from it.let’s forgive each other for your inner peace.
If I hurt someone with my infidelity, I apologize too. I feel sorry for you too. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Learn from it. forgive yourself
I have learned to forgive myself in the following ways.
1. I acknowledge the pain I caused and apologize for it.
2. Communicate with my Inner Child and learn about her unmet needs (needs to be heard and seen, to stop pleasing people, etc.).
3. Remember that you are imperfect and making mistakes is part of the human experience.
4. Ask yourself what you’ve learned from this experience (first, don’t continue the relationship when your instincts tell you it’s over), then apply what you’ve learned.
And know this: If you are in an unhappy relationship, you do I have the strength to get out of there without hurting the other person by adultery. (Keep in mind that I’m not talking about an abusive relationship here. It’s not my experience, and I’m not in a position to give any advice.)
Also know that just because your lives are so intertwined that it’s hard to imagine the process of breaking up (moving, splitting up your finances, terminating a lease, etc.) doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship. . If you are most worried about these logistics, now is the time to solve them. you will understand it. And both of you will be better off that way.
Finally, I would like to share with you a quote that a friend turned mentor told me. “People do shit, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re shit people.” Be kind to yourself and each other. Let us love (especially) even when others seem unworthy of our love. Let’s have compassion for the lonely child in our hearts.
About Teresa Toy
Teresa Towey is a women’s coach and mentor. She curates individual and group spaces to guide women in returning to their wild and instinctive nature through body and earth connection. She has a special focus on helping women express their sensuality and live in harmony with their menstrual cycle.check her out website and follow her Instagram. Send her her DM to schedule a free 1:1 session with her.