When we let go of hope that the past may or should have been a little different than it is now, we are truly free. This is very difficult.
This challenge stems from a compelling need to validate our feelings and experiences. When we let go of hope that the past could have been different, we often feel like we are disabling ourselves. We’ve been through hell and things that most people don’t know about. where is that justice?
I know; I’ve been there. Honestly, there are moments when I still pick up on this thought and carry it around for a while.In order to respect ourselves and our experiences, we need to stay connected with the injustices of the choices others have made. That choice has dramatically impacted my life and created an enormous amount of pain.
After almost 19 years of marriage, my high school sweetheart, my husband, told me he was gay and that he had never been attracted to me.
I promise; I know the pain. I wrestled with myself for weeks, trying to think of everything that could or should have happened to avoid a situation that was causing me so much pain.
I wish I had heeded the red flags when we were dating, listened to my therapist over the years when he tried to get me to work on the issues between my husband and I. I wish I had never met him, but be honest with me (I’m sure lying hurt him too, so it was best for both of us. prize). There are many things I would like to change. It seemed insurmountable at times.
For months, I didn’t even want to think about accepting my reality. The rejection I experienced during the course of my marriage is not what I wish for anyone.
Were you surprised when my ex-husband told me he was gay? This is hard to answer. i knew something was wrong. I knew I felt crazy, invisible and ugly. I can’t count the number of nights I went to bed crying because I couldn’t see my married man.
Now that I can finally live the truth, how do I move forward? There are 20 years of grief piles that are stuck. Personally, I think this is the worst reality. Our hearts can be cut by other people’s choices. Others can hurt us and the only way to live a healthy and fulfilling life is to connect with others.
I can’t tell you the countless nights this reality has awakened me.I want to live alone on an island. For years, I believed myself to be completely self-sufficient. I make my own money and take care of my own needs. It has nothing to do with lying, cheating, or being close enough to people to hurt me. Hope this worked. I wish there was a way, but I’m here to tell you that there isn’t.
you can go that route. Trust me, I tried. It only brings more emptiness and pain. The truth is that they are wired for connectivity. we are mammals You need others to survive. Prosperous people have deep, meaningful, and loving relationships. When someone betrays their trust, they feel their greatest elation and their deepest pain of depression. This is the human experience. Unfortunately, some of us have experienced deeper levels of pain, but what I am sure of is that we can all heal.
I had to reframe what it meant to let go. It doesn’t mean that your ex-husband made the right choice. I would never say the pain was worth it or that it wasn’t that bad. Living 20 years in a catfish relationship is never okay. Thankfully those days are farther apart, but they definitely still happen.
Letting go is allowing me to feel the sadness of my reality and accept the things I cannot change. You can’t change your choice to believe them. I can’t change my abandonment of myself and my needs for him and our children.
I feel a deep, agonizing pain and can grieve it until it stops tormenting me. Validate. I can’t wait for him or anyone else to validate my experience.
No one knows the true depth of our pain. The days when we sat in the closet and cried and cried to sleep peacefully. However, you can verify it yourself. We get to share our stories so others know they’re not alone in their struggles.
Many of you reading this know my pain. Your story may be different, but your pain is different. If you’re feeling stuck moving forward, know that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to fully feel all your emotions. go to ‘.
You don’t have to do it alone. Have a therapist, mentor, or trusted friend sit with you and feel the depth of all your emotions. Freedom is on the other side. I promise. Not perfect. My sadness hasn’t gone away forever, but I’m free. I am free from his choices and free to create a life I never knew I could dream for myself while I am still bound by his webs.
The work is scary and hard and only for the brave and brave. There are many people here to cheer you on and stand by you while you work. Be brave and start the journey of letting go. you are worth it.
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I recently heard someone say that compassion is the intersection of love and suffering. I feel like I have been in pain for a long time. I know my ex suffers too. My ability to truly let go and be free came when I saw my ex suffer and was able to lovingly let him go .
I met him with compassion. It wasn’t easy. Compassion doesn’t come quickly and there are still hard days. We both grew up in cultures that valued being good and loyal over being happy and seen.
Our tragic story is the result of placing rules and goodness above love, happiness, and self-expression. I know we are not the first generation to suffer from this mentality, but I hope we are the last.
About Janice Holland
Janice Holland is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and Certified Trauma Model Therapist at the Ross Institute. After graduating from her NYU in 2009, she has worked in schools, mental health hospitals, and private practitioners, helping people own their stories and curate a life to live with pride. I was. You can follow her work on Instagram @janicehollandlpc Or read her weekly blog janice holland.com
