Rekindle your passion for married life. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children. Most of their conversations are about work, household chores, children’s activities, and the mundane aspects of a stalled marriage.
Kendra says: “I love you Jason, the passion is no more”
When Kendra makes this bombshell statement, Jason responds: We don’t have much sex anymore, but it seems like a stage we’re going through. By the time I go to bed at night, I have no energy left. ”
By all accounts, Kendra and Jason had a passionate early marriage. However, over the last few years their sex life has dwindled and they rarely spend time together without their children. Kendra seeks out Jason for sexual intimacy, but Jason often distances himself.
According to experts, the most common reason why couples lose passion for each other and become less sexually intimate is the pursuer-distance pattern that develops over time. Dr. Sue Johnson identified the pattern of requests and withdrawals as “protest polka” and said it was one of three “demonic dialogues.” She explains that when one partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.
Dr. John Gottman studied thousands of couples and found that partners who fell into this pattern in the first few years of marriage were over 80% more likely to divorce in the first four to five years. bottom.
foster emotional intimacy
A successful sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and intimacy. In other words, if you want to improve your physical relationship, you need to work on your spiritual connection first. Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs with love and respect.
of science of trustDr. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love should turn to each other. Practicing emotional attunement helps us stay connected even when we disagree. This means facing each other by showing empathy instead of being defensive.Both partners need to talk about their feelings active needsinstead of what they do no need.
According to Dr. Gottman, active needs It is a recipe for success for both the listener and the speaker as it conveys complaints and demands without criticism or condemnation. Dr. Gottman says, “This requires a mental shift from thinking about what your partner is doing wrong to what works for what your partner can do.” This is what I feel and what I ask of you.’ ”
rekindle sexual chemistry
In the early stages of marriage, many couples are so overwhelmed with the excitement of falling in love that they barely have a conversation. Unfortunately, this blissful state does not last forever. the scientist They found that oxytocin (the bonding hormone) released during the early stages of love makes couples feel euphoric and that physical contact causes arousal. It actually acts like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that connect us with our lover.
Holding hands, hugs, and gentle touches are all great ways to prove you love your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for pleasure-oriented sexual contact.sex therapist and educator Dr. Michael Stizma If you want to improve your relationship, set a goal of doubling the amount of time you spend kissing, hugging, and sensual touches.
It is difficult to maintain sexual attraction for a long period of time. Kendra and Jason, for example, lack passion because they don’t want to relinquish control or show weakness. As a result, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other.sex therapist Laurie Watson “Most sexual struggles stem from relationship conflicts in marriage,” he says.
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Here are 10 tips to bring back the passion in your marriage.
1. Change the pattern of initiating sex
Maybe you’re denying your partner or taking too strong an attitude. Avoid criticizing each other and stop blaming each other. Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, a distance person may want to practice initiating sex more often, while a chaser may want to say, “You’re sexy” to their partner in subtle ways while avoiding criticism or requests for intimacy. I’m trying to find a way to say
2. Hold hands more often
According to author Cory Floyd, Ph.D., holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin and make you feel better. Studies have shown that it is also released during sexual orgasm. In addition, physical affection reduces stress hormones, lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
3. Increase tension
Our brain experiences more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward lasts a while before we receive it. So take time during foreplay to share fantasies, change places, and make sex more romantic.
4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Plan intimate time and avoid talking about relationship issues and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal drops sharply when distracted or stressed.
5. Make time to spend with your partner
Try different activities that you both enjoy. Enjoy courtship and practice flirting as a way to stimulate sexual desire and intimacy. Dr. Gottman says, “Everything positive in a relationship is foreplay.”
6. Focus on loving touches
Give your partner a back or shoulder rub. People associate foreplay with intercourse, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to show and rekindle passion, even if you’re not a touchy person.
7. Practice becoming more emotional during sex
Share your deepest wishes, fantasies and aspirations with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider attending individual or couples therapy.
8. Stay curious about sexual intimacy
Try new ways to bring joy to each other. Treat sex as an opportunity to take the time to get to know your partner better.
9. Change the type of sex you have
Have gentle, loving, intimate and highly erotic sex. Break routines and try new things as your sexual needs change.
10. Prioritize sex
Create an intimate atmosphere before TV or work dampens your passion. A light meal and your favorite music or wine can set the stage for great sex.
Even if you’re not a sensitive person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help maintain a deep and meaningful bond.
The good news is that by influencing your partner, you can rekindle the sparkle you once enjoyed. In fact, Dr. Gottman reminds us that friendship is the glue that holds marriage together.
“Couples who know each other well [and] Couples who know each other well about each other’s likes and dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams work well. ”
For more ideas on how to rekindle the passion in your relationship, subscribe to The Gottman Relationship Blog below.
