“Correct adults communicate clearly and positively. ”
This is what I’ve heard many people say.
By that definition, I would not have been classified as a decent adult for most of my life.
There was a time when I couldn’t even ask for a glass of water. I know it might seem crazy to some people, but I’ve felt it too for a long time.
Why couldn’t I do what others could do without thinking? Why couldn’t I say what I wanted to say? Why couldn’t I be normal?
Those questions would further impact the spiral of shame I was trapped in in my life at the time.
But the question I should have asked myself wasn’t how I could overcome being so hurt and flawed, but how my struggles made sense based on how I was raised. I was wondering if there is.
Because based on that I was perfect and my actions made perfect sense.
I was a child taught to be seen and not heard.
I was a child whose emotions made others angry and violent.
I was a child whose anger shamed her and rejected her by those who needed her most.
I was a child who was beaten over and over until I stopped crying.
I was a needy child who was a nuisance to those in charge of my care.
I was the kid whose desires were described as selfish, attention-seeking, or ridiculous.
I was the child who was mistreated for everything she felt, wanted, and needed.
I was a child, a child, called a monster for what I am.
I was a child who grew up feeling unwanted, lonely, and utterly disgusted.
So why did the child start talking? Why would the child share something about himself?she will‘is that so? It all makes sense. I understand what you mean. it was a way of life. how to survive.
I’ve been taught that I don’t care. That what I wanted, what I needed, and how I felt was so abhorrent that I had to hide it at all costs. And I did so to avoid being hurt, embarrassed, or rejected. Even when you’re with someone else. Even after becoming an adult.
That pattern changed my life. I couldn’t say what I wanted or had to say. I felt too scared. It felt too dangerous. It was too embarrassing.
So if you have a hard time expressing yourself and feel embarrassed about it, I know. I did too. But know this, it’s not your fault. It was never your fault.
And yes, life is harder when you haven’t been who you were growing up. When the only way to protect yourself was to take yourself lightly. Because when you fail to grow into yourself, it hurts you. Because that was the biggest risk of all when I didn’t learn to love myself.
But today, that risk lives on within you. for your conditioning.and that‘This is where the inner healing work begins.
For me it’s about learning how to connect with myself and my truth and safety, and how to banish the critical, demanding and humiliating inner voices that tell me my feelings, needs and desires are wrong. It meant getting the support of helpful professionals.
It meant learning how to tune my nervous system so that I could get over my fear and be honest about what worked and what didn’t work for me. This was a major turning point in my relationships. Because I started expressing myself more openly and positively. Either my relationships improved dramatically, or I realized that other people cared less about me and my feelings.
It also meant being emotionally open and understanding what my emotions were trying to tell me. Growing up I learned to avoid and suppress my emotions, so I knew it would be difficult to truly know myself.
I have had a wonderful opportunity to reinvent myself. I was able to give myself the love, affection and attention that I didn’t get as a child.
And that’s what finally made me feel safe enough to finally express myself.
My relationship with myself began to feel more like a safe haven than a battlefield, and my life has never been the same ever since.
Everything on the outside began to match what was going on inside me. The safer I became, the safer the people in my life became, allowing me to develop deeper, more meaningful and intimate relationships.
So I know that such changes are possible. Even if you don’t feel like it right now. I know it is possible because today I am the most sincere and expressed myself I have ever been.
See all I’m sharing with you here. That’s a far cry from asking for a glass of water.
Today, I no longer stifle the words I always wanted to speak. I speak them
Today, I no longer hold back my emotions. feel them. share them. Feel free to.
I am no longer denying my needs or minimizing my desires. i own them i met them i will fill them
I own myself now, and I don’t feel as bound by toxic shame as I once was.
At the time, I never thought I could do this.
By sharing my story and my transformation, I hope you follow the spark within you to express yourself. To share your thoughts and aspirations.to express it‘you are like you May we finally see more of you, and eventually all of you.
That’s what you need to hear. It is not a voice of fear or shame. Not your conditioning. Not something or someone that reinforces your inhibitions or trauma.
You were born to be fully expressed. It was your birthright. That is the gift of the world.
Just because the people who raised you didn’t understand your unique miracle doesn’t mean you need to deprive the world and yourself of experiencing you. more to you everyone.
It’s never too late to open up and share yourself in ways that heal, liberate, empower and feel loving.