“Be proud of who you are instead of being ashamed of how others see you.” ~Unknown
“When was your last relationship?” asked the hairdresser as he twisted a curling wand through his freshly blow-dried hair.
“Well, about two years ago.” I lied.
“Why did you break up?” she asked.
“Oh, he had a lot of problems. It really wasn’t going well.”
I got pretty good at this and lied to hide my embarrassment for being in my early 30s and never in a serious relationship. I learned to think on my feet. Then no one will call me. The last thing I needed was people’s sympathy and judgment.
I was sitting in my chair thinking about what she would say. Should I have told her that I’ve never been in a serious relationship with her, is she caring or is she judgmental? Did she feel sorry for me and think there was something wrong with me? It was a risk I didn’t want to take.
I felt so embarrassed and embarrassed about my relationship status that I avoided any discussion of it at all costs. Realizing it was a painful topic, I avoided asking about my love life.
I have learned to recognize how shame manifests itself in my physical body. The anxiety I felt when someone cluelessly asked when I was going to have kids, the quickness of my heart when asked if I was bringing a plus one to a gathering, and the knots on my body. Stomach when invited to a place consisting mostly of couples.
The embarrassment I felt about my relationship status always prevented me from telling the truth because I was afraid of being judged harshly.
I felt like an addict in denial. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t tell anyone that I had never been in a serious relationship, even though my close friends and family knew deep down.
quest to find love
I regretted that I had reached my early 30s without having a serious relationship. The creator didn’t love me. It forgot about me. I was tired of being alone, so I longed for a loving relationship and wanted to experience true love.
I had a distorted belief that being in love meant that I was happier, contented, and that life would be really easier. The princess dresses her knights in shining armor and they live happily ever after.
Over the years, I’ve delved into the dating scene, experimented with dating apps, and maintained an active social life so I could meet people. I dated multiple unavailable men who ran when I felt they wanted something serious.
This eventually became tiresome and took a toll on my self-esteem and confidence.
I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong! was i being punished? I was well educated, had a good career and prospects, and didn’t look bad. It was thought to be
I was exhausted and frustrated and didn’t have the energy left to keep looking for a good match.
I slowly started giving up on love because I was tired of being disappointed and disgusted with myself.
I was convinced that I would never find the right partner and never experience the overly attractive thoughts of love that I had conjured up in my head since childhood.
This only heightened my feelings of shame. Not only can I not have a partner, but I can’t finish things to the end. Shame taught me that I was a bad person and unworthy of being loved.
One Sunday afternoon, I popped into my pillow and had a thought. Maybe it’s you, not them. This thought pissed me off. How can I be held responsible? I have done nothing wrong. All I’m guilty of is wanting to be loved.
Another thought came: Maybe something can be done to change your experience. This thought didn’t anger me too much, and after pondering it for a day or two, I came to the conclusion that I have to take some responsibility for the kind of men I’m attracting.
I took a step back from finding the “one” and focused my energy and work on myself. For example, self-confidence and assertiveness.
compassion for all
I learned that shame can “kill” me with compassion, so I became kinder and less critical of myself. I consciously avoided negative thoughts, praised myself as much as possible, and tried not to blame myself too much.
I confided in a close friend of my embarrassment of being single, even though it took courage. The more I admitted to people that I had never been in a serious relationship, the better I felt and started to accept it.
Being vulnerable to loved ones was like a weight off my shoulders. What’s even better is that I didn’t receive as much judgment and pity as I thought I would, and they showed me love and compassion.
I remember telling my new colleague that I was not in a serious relationship. “Me too,” she said. Her fear that she would react soon turned into her reassurance that she had someone just like me.
But not everyone deserves to see me at my most vulnerable, so I chose who I told my story to. If they are not treated with respect, judged, or ridiculed, they can exacerbate the shame they already feel.
love is love wherever it comes from
I started to realize that love is love and regardless of my relationship status, I had a lot of it.I didn’t need a partner to feel loved.
We can show love from friends, family, co-workers, ourselves and even strangers. This love is as special and meaningful as any love you experience in a relationship.
With this in mind, I started developing more self-love in order to boost my self-confidence and self-esteem.
I started being kind to myself and saying nice things about myself through daily affirmations. .
As a result, my self-confidence and self-esteem increased, and I began to understand my worth and worth.
let go of the need to find love
Over time, I began to let go of my need to find love. Little did I realize it had taken over every part of my being. I wasn’t closed to finding love. In fact, I was very open about finding potential partners.
I let go of the idea that someone would come to my aid and concluded that I could be my own hero and best friend.
I let go of the idea that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy and made a conscious decision to be happy in the moment. became satisfied with
When I let go, I realized that the embarrassment I felt about my relationship status stemmed from fear. rice field. I was afraid that I would not be able to create a family.
where you are now
I haven’t met “that person” yet, but that’s okay. I am peaceful, joyful, and enjoying life in the moment.
I no longer feel the embarrassment and fear of being left behind that I once felt about my relationship status. I understand that there is no need to be shy because there are many people like me.
I choose to see my single status as my superpower. You can use this time to learn and grow. I accept and appreciate every moment of being single.
Of course, there are times when negative thoughts and actions try to raise an ugly head, but I just remember who I am and say, “This thought or action is what I want or want to be.” Are we consistent?” If not, simply let go.
For anyone reading this who feels embarrassed and terrified because they don’t have a partner, remember that you still deserve to be single and deserve your own care and love. you set yourself free.
About Elise Andrews
As a University Benefits Advisor and Founder of a Personal Development Blog Daisy in the Dust, Elyse has always had a passion for helping people. She aims to help communities become the best versions of themselves. Her purpose is to empower communities to forge their own paths.