Communicating with your partner isn’t always easy. Even with partners who consider themselves intimate, daily chores, misunderstandings, and simple fatigue can get in the way of healthy communication. But when it comes to learning how to talk about sex with your partner, these everyday factors can really muddle the waters.
However, being able to talk about sex with your partner is very important for relationship health and sexual satisfaction. According to research Couples with stronger sexual communication reported improved sex, Satisfaction with sex lifeand overall relationship improvement.
featured image Kristen Kilpatrick.
Tips to help you learn how to talk about sex with your partner
To dive into the topic, we chatted Cheryl Fagan, sex educator and therapist, and founder above— A beautifully designed platform for relaxing and entertaining sex conversations, but evidence-based. After running out of resources as an adult, I started On Top.
With a familiar and engaging voice, Fagan focuses on a holistic approach to sexual health (one that includes the mind, body, mind and soul), normalizing the conversation about sex and empowering people in the field. Passionate about helping people find healing.
So how do you start a conversation with your partner? Scroll down to chat with Fagan and her tips on how to make sexual conversations helpful, productive, and actually easy.
Why are you passionate about holistic sexuality?
Sex is everywhere, but finding meaningful, factual, and relevant information is hard. In the West, we are taught that sex is merely physical and performance-based. Holistic sexuality includes our entire being: mind, body, mind and soul. It is influenced by biological, psychological, social, religious, spiritual and cultural factors. Holistic sexuality acknowledges all these factors, not just the physical act of sex.
Education empowers people to make healthy choices that are aligned with their values and enables truly liberating, enjoyable and nourishing sex.
What are the benefits of talking openly about sex?
Simply put, better sex. What does better sex mean? Fun, satisfying, nourishing and memorable. Think about the best sex you’ve ever had or imagine the sexual experience you want. Most often through a conversation with a partner. A common piece of advice regarding communication within a relationship is the phrase, “Your partner is not a mind reader.” The same applies to sex! Since the other party does not know unless you directly tell them what you like, Lee Lee Lee Likes or feels “well”.
I have heard that good communication = good sex. Could you dig a little deeper into that?
Good communication means being able to voice your preferences and desires.
Healthy and meaningful conversations about sex are taboo in Western culture, so many people find it easier to actually have sex than talk about it!
If you feel comfortable and safe in bringing difficult relationship conversations to the table, there are amazing benefits that can come from honest and sometimes challenging conversations. It helps you deepen. So if you have an intimate connection, this can translate into a physical connection.
Why is it difficult for some couples to talk openly about sex?
Sex is very personal. How we feel about talking about sex can tell us a lot about ourselves. For some reason, most people feel some kind of shame about sex that needs to be healed. Whether it’s conditioning by cultural messages, we all have things to overcome. There is one more thing we are good at rather than simply enjoying ourselves, especially since in our culture we are taught that sex is performance-based.
What are the benefits of talking about sex earlier in a relationship instead of later?
Talking about sex early on creates a culture of open and honest relationships. Sex is complicated for both individuals and couples. It takes time to understand yourself and your partner. The sooner you have these conversations, the better prepared you will be in the event of a bigger or more serious problem.
There’s no “normal” number of conversations, but it’s important to develop the habit of honest conversation so that you can deal with any issues that arise.
…but it’s never too late to start, right?
of course not! Decide what you want to say and what the conversation is about, and be non-judgmental, honest, and kind.
How can you keep the conversation positive while remaining direct and clear?
As a couple, I’m sure you want the best for each other, so enter the conversation with the mindset that this will serve you both. , be open about how you want to grow together. As mentioned earlier, stay positive by being kind and not making assumptions or criticizing others.
Different comments and questions can lead the conversation in different directions. “Never initiate sex. You don’t want me!”
I also say take it easy. This can cause embarrassment and embarrassment, so both should be allowed to explore, ponder, and share safely.
What are some ways to approach the topic of sex?
Not sure where to start? affinity card deck We have 50 questions about sexual intimacy. You can take the awkwardness out of asking questions by blaming the cards. I’ve heard many people say they have questions they never thought they would ask themselves or their partner. It can be a tool (requires research on the part of the partner), but you can find cards of interest. Read a book or article together, discuss it, or listen to a podcast together. We recommend sending sexy texts for fun and light conversation!
Here are some questions to start the conversation.
- How was sex talked about in your family?
- what turns you on?
- How do you know when I’m in a bad mood?
- What is your favorite part of sex?
What are your tips for finding the right time to talk about sex?
When do you think you can have a good growth conversation? Maybe it’s the monthly check-in or date night? When you find that you have enough time to ponder and share with each other, have a conversation. Also, it’s a good idea to have a conversation plan. Nothing too serious, but just say what you want to discuss so they can keep their heads up.
Other resources:
My website is located at: cheryllfagan.org.my affinity card deck for couples is a great tool for conversation and intimate connection. I offer e-courses for sexual pain and engaged/newlywed couples. I am currently developing an eCourse on Sexual Healing (From Shame). We have more coming soon, including sex education sessions.
This post was originally published on March 9, 2021 and has since been updated.
