“If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be looking for someone to fill the void in your heart, and no one will ever be able to do that.” ~ Lori DeShane
There are four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, anxious/avoidant, and secure.
Attachment theory tells us that the way we attach ourselves to our romantic partners mimics the relationship we had with our primary nurturers.
So if you were like me and had parents who didn’t exist physically or emotionally, you grew up feeling a emptiness within yourself and constantly worried about whether you were loved or not. Because of this emptiness, you feel unloved and unworthy of being loved, and are attracted to partners who are considered avoidant.
An avoidant partner is someone who believes that independence is more important than building a relationship. They feel uncomfortable opening up to others. They prefer casual relationships to intimate ones. And the moment they feel vulnerable or start to like you too much, they become ghosts.
Suddenly that super cute date you were planning is canceled or postponed with no explanation, and you wonder your worth and what went wrong.
In a way, your subconscious is trying to recreate the experiences you grew up with. For example, if you tell your parents that you love them and try to hug them, and they say, “Stop being so sensitive” or “Stay away from me,” be rejected when you express your love. So now your subconscious gravitates toward an avoidant partner who reacts in the same way as your primary caregiver.
Our attachment styles play a big role in our relationships, and relationships affect our mental health. If you are someone with an insecure attachment style and are unconsciously attracted to avoidant partners, you move from one toxic relationship to the next.
If you are an anxious person, you tend to:
- Install quickly. Loving someone goes from 0 to 100.
- Always worry if they will stop loving or liking you.
- Worry that they don’t feel as deeply for you as you do for them.
- Fear that once they know the real you, they will no longer love you and will leave.
- Even if you know deep down that your needs are not being met, when you think about your relationship, you might say, “I will never find someone else” or “This is the best.” Please think about it.
In 2018, I decided to seek therapy for the first time. I was a young graduate student with a bright future ahead of me, but this was also the time I decided I was ready to date.
I got a constant sense of unease from this super-cool, calm, collected young woman. It’s been four hours since I sent the email.” “He doesn’t like me anymore?” had lost
I didn’t know it at the time, but I kept attracting men who were reluctant, and the more I felt they were trying to keep me at a distance, the more obsessed I was with closing the distance. I wanted to feel close to them. Because if they didn’t love me, it meant something was wrong with me.
You know how people say, ‘If they’re not interested in you, that’s their loss’? I didn’t feel that way. I felt I had to win their love. Not winning it meant not being worthy of their time and attention. I started concentrating on every detail of our interactions. I started noticing if they were replying with a period at the end of the sentence or if they added an emoji.
I even timed how long it took them to reply to me. If I’m dating someone and they usually reply to my emails within 2 hours, I mean his first hour was safe and relaxing, but as soon as I get close to that 2 hour mark , I feel anxiety creeping in.
I could feel the anxiety in my body, starting in my stomach. Tense and soft, tense shoulders and loss of appetite. I lost about 20 pounds during this time from uncontrollable stress and anxiety.
I also had bald spots on the top of my head. I was puzzled by the rapid deterioration of my mental and physical health. A few months ago, I was a graduate student, excited about life and building a successful career, but now I was barely holding on and smiling like I was sane.
I have an insecure attachment style that makes me hypersensitive to the slightest change in someone’s tone, body, facial movements, the words they use, and so on. You’re a lot’, which was enough for me to ruminate on for the rest of the week.
I knew something was wrong and I needed to get my emotions under control, so I started looking online for help. It was very helpful to read other people’s experiences so that I could navigate well.
I couldn’t force my romantic partner to meet my needs, so it must be me I need to relax and don’t expect too much from them. And I changed it. I have read countless articles on how to let go of expectations.
I told myself that I had a problem and that I was expecting too much from my boyfriend. I thought men just couldn’t meet my needs and show up to me the way I did them. At one point, I even tried to cleanse myself of “bad energy” by doing a lympia (cleansing).
I wanted to be the problem. Because if I was the problem, I can control and fix it. But the more I tried to change and loosen my expectations, the deeper I fell into depression.
As you can see, how attached we are to our romantic partners can affect our mental health, and ignorance of the type of partner we are attracting can lead to some toxic relationships. You can get stuck in a cycle of moving on to the next relationship. .
Getting treatment and seeking help was the best decision I made on my own. If you’re stuck in the same vicious circle and ready to get out of it, there are a few things you can do.
1. Admit that you are ready to break the cycle.
Be honest with yourself. Identify how you betrayed yourself by choosing a partner who only hurts you. Commit to ending this cycle.
2. Begin inner child work.
When you feel hurt, lonely, and want to reach out to a toxic partner, instead, visualize your 5- to 7-year-old self and connect with your little self. write them a letterIf you were hurt and feeling lonely, what would you say? I love you. you are safe i am always here for you
3. Write a list of all the negative emotions and feelings your partner has caused in you.
Make a list of all the reasons you need to leave this person and refer to it whenever you feel like contacting them.
4. Regulates the nervous system.
When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, the fight-or-flight response is turned on, making it very difficult to endure the discomfort of being separated from someone you’re worried about and attached to. Sometimes it feels like we’re in a toxic relationship, so we start to panic, get back into our comfort zone, and stay in a toxic relationship.
Simple ways to tune your nervous system include taking a barefoot walk in nature, doing moderate to vigorous exercise, practicing breathing exercises, and listening to calming music.
5. Start developing a routine of self-love and self-care.
As a way to reconnect with yourself, work on your feelings, and identify patterns in your thoughts and actions, you can start journaling for 10 minutes each day. You can make a list of your physical, mental and emotional needs and find small ways to meet them every day. You can go on weekly dates with yourself. go out to eat or watch a movie.
Do whatever makes you feel happy and content. When you feel better about yourself and feel more comfortable being alone, you are less likely to rely on others to fill the void within you.
You can create the life and experiences you want to live. And while it may feel like you’ll never find the right partner for you because of your insecure attachment style, that’s simply not true. At the first sign of trouble, instead of staying at the first sign of trouble and trying to solve the problem, even if you attract
Eventually, you will meet a partner who is safe and/or firmly attached to you.
When you find someone to voice your anxiety, instead of dismissing you and saying, “Stop being so nervous,” they’ll say, “How can you ease the anxiety you’re feeling?” What should I do?” will be the answer. or “What can I do to make you feel safe?” Always remember that you are in control of creating the reality you want to live in.
About Esther Gutierrez
Esther Gutierrez is a Life and Mindset Coach at BIPOC whose mission is to help Millennials take control of their current reality, create the life of their dreams, and heal their relationships. She incorporates astrology and human design into her life coaching practice.If she wants to work with her you can visit www.EstherTheMindsetCoach.com