Growing up can be hard. As children, we do not fully understand how the actions, words and actions of our parents affect us. As adults, the way our parents treat us also has a profound effect on us. Looking back, as an adult, I often wish my parents would understand. Some parents may never try to understand, but here are five things grown-up kids want their parents to understand.
1. Your standards are too high
One thing grown-up children want their parents to understand is that their standards are too high. Growing up, my mother’s standards for my sisters and me were unattainable. My mother’s standards were perfect, and anything less than perfect was treated as a failure. As a child and teen, I didn’t find her standards unreasonable. Now that I am an adult, I realize that the standards my mother set for my sisters and me are too high. We needed support and encouragement instead of being told that what we had done was ‘not good enough’.
What our parents say to us affects us deeply in many ways. How are we expected to grow up if our parents constantly tell us we’re “not good enough” or “failed”? can continue this behavior into adulthood. Adult children need to be reminded that they are enough and loved. If you’re a parent and find yourself setting the bar too high for your child, take a step back and analyze how your words and actions affect your child. Once you realize how your standards affect your child, stop setting impossible standards.
No one is perfect, and it’s absurd to think that everyone can be perfect. Adult children find their parents’ standards too high when they say things like, “You should be out of college,” “You should be married,” “You should have kids.” I can. All these standards and statements only do harm. they don’t help anything. If you want to support your adult child, tell them how proud you are of their achievements, even if they don’t always meet the standards you set.
2. I wish you were proud of me
The second thing adult children want their parents to understand is that they want their parents to be proud of them. I see and feel that my parents have never been proud of me.From personal experience, I have never felt that my parents were proud of me. I always wanted to be them, but I wasn’t. They weren’t proud of me because I wasn’t good at the things they wanted me to do, like playing the piano, doing artwork, and conforming to other people’s social standards. It’s important to tell your children that you’re proud of them, even if you’re an adult.
My mother died a long time ago, and I don’t know if she was proud of me. She never said she was proud of me. Instead, she felt disappointed and ashamed of me. If you’ve ever felt the same way, you know how painful it is and how much it affects you as a person. I have never heard of it being said. Will it affect me? of course. I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. If you’re a parent reading this, please tell your adult children how proud you are of them.
3. You Have Heart Me
The third thing grown-up children want their parents to understand is that they hurt them. As a child and even as an adult, it can be very difficult to tell a parent that they have hurt you. It only adds to the hurt. Many things my father and mother said to me hurt me. When I was going through a period of intense anorexia, being called an “extra” child or “Judas Iscariot” by my mother paralyzed me in many ways. While there are many who try to ignore the pain experienced by others, I encourage everyone to never invalidate someone else’s feelings.
Adult children can be hurt by many events in their past, and parents can still hurt them today. We should only talk about building each other up. You don’t have to hurt others with your words. Parents need to know better and use words wisely. Everyone’s tongue has the power of life and death, but what we use it for is up to us. If you are a parent, acknowledge that you have hurt your child and be supportive. It can be equally traumatic and damaging.
4. You pushed me away when I needed help
The fourth thing grown-up children want their parents to understand is that parents can push their children away when they need help. Again, from my own experience, my mother tended to push me away when I needed help. I have had depression since she was 13 and when I tried to ask her mother for help, she kicked me out. She told me I needed to get over the “pity party” and start being happy. If you suffer from depression, you’ve probably had the same statements made to you. Children and adult children need to be by their side in their struggles, even if parents don’t fully understand what their children are enduring, instead of parents pushing them away.
Many parents continue to push their children away into adulthood. It is important not to do this as it can permanently harm your child and damage your relationship with them. Instead of pushing them away, pull them in and help them out. Even as adults, we need the support of our parents, especially during difficult times like mental illness, terminal illness, and relationship endings. We all need help sometimes, and our parents push us away It should encourage and support us instead of.
5. Now you can decide
The fifth thing grown-up children want their parents to understand is that we can now make our own decisions. Many parents try to control their adult child’s decisions, but this can have a negative impact on the child. Give them the freedom to make their own decisions and follow their own path. Children appreciate parental advice, but they also need the freedom to make their own decisions. As we grow older, we have to make more important decisions such as buying a home, choosing a career, and how to serve the Lord.
Parents may think they know best, but parents need to give their children the freedom to make their own decisions. Some decisions may not be the best, but some decisions can be learned from experience. Parents always want to make sure their adult children make the right decisions, but they can’t promise that. Everyone has free will and that free will allows them to make their own decisions. If you are a parent, allow your adult children to make their own decisions and refrain from saying anything negative unless their decisions go against the Word of God.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes
Vivian Bricker Help those who love Jesus, learn the Word of God, and walk with Christ. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from the Ministry of Christianity with an emphasis on theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she’s not writing, she’s embarking on other adventures.
