“Even if your brain tells you there is no hope, there is hope.” ~ John Green
I remember being 15 years old. I was a freshman in high school and loved drawing, books, Harry Potter and Taylor Swift. I hated math class. I had a loving family and a little white dog named Maddie. I want to be a writer, I want a boyfriend. I wanted to die too.
It started in seventh grade when my best friend Meghan dumped me. We hear about romantic breakups all the time, but no one seems to talk about friendship breakups. The person you thought would be by your side suddenly disappeared.
I remember the phone It was one night in January 2007. We had been fighting for a while by then. I don’t remember that particular night. But I remember her stopping her words and uttering the words that changed everything.
I remember being shocked that she would say that. Then she gets mad. Before hanging up, I immediately replied, “Then.” Then the pain hit. I went into my parents’ room and crawled into bed next to her mother and cried.
I’ve never felt pain like this before. A lot of emotions went through me, but the ones that stood out the most were betrayal and a sense of loss.
We have been best friends since first grade. 7 years. We were supposed to spend middle school together, move on to high school, and share experiences from prom and homecoming games. I was there. And we were supposed to tackle adulthood together.
Knowing that I had someone by my side as I went through life gave me a sense of security. Now that comfort was gone and I felt abandoned. A more pressing problem also hit me. How were you going to get through the next day of school without her?
School has become difficult. she was my only friend. Sure, I had other friends growing up, but those friendships either died on their own or the girls transferred schools. Some lasted for a while, but in the end none worked.I was looking for that lifelong friend. But such friendships, which I began to learn, were rare.
I started feeling hopeless. School was lonely. My social life was non-existent. I felt lonely and depressed. I sank deep into depression as my ex-best friend seemed to thrive in her new group of friends. started.
I was treated in a mental hospital, followed by an outpatient program. A mental hospital has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I felt so alone and trapped there. I didn’t feel connected to other patients and just wanted to go home.
When I woke up, I spent most of my time crying or trying to sleep, hoping to find myself back in my room with its bright pink walls and Twilight posters and in my own comfy bed. When I finally got out of the hospital, I went on to an outpatient program.
In the outpatient program, I met kind and caring people. We all have our own mental health struggles and I was starting to feel lonely. I started to open up and after about a month I was ready to go back to school .
It was tough going back. where were you last month But no one did. Most of the time I was left alone. It was nice, but it was also incredibly lonely.
I graduated high school on the best of my terms, then went to college and things started to improve. I began to succeed academically and got a job as a children’s librarian at the public library. I met good friends through my work and decided to pursue a master’s degree in librarianship to become a children’s librarian. Eventually, I got a full-time job as a youth services librarian. After that, I met my current boyfriend and fell in love.
I still deal with episodes of depression, usually triggered by feelings of loneliness and isolation. I have. However, I have learned to recognize when symptoms of depression appear and to recognize and deal with things like low energy, feelings of hopelessness, and loss of interest in things I normally enjoy. I spend time with my dog and rely on the people in my life.
I still get anxiety from time to time. There are days when I wake up in the morning and don’t want to go to work because of anxiety. I worry about what the day will be like. I’m worried about what to do if something goes wrong. It’s hard to stay focused here and now.
But thanks to therapy and the tools I learned there, I can push myself to go to work even in anxiety-filled days, and it’s never too bad.
Sometimes things go wrong, such as forgetting to cut out a handicraft required for a program, or a patron is unhappy about something, but I always handle it. I try to remember the moments I had and try to remember what I can do even if I feel like I can’t handle the day.
I have come a long way since that 15 year old girl. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I know how to handle it. I practice yoga and deep breathing to calm myself down. When I’m trapped in my head and struggling to be mindful, I listen to my senses. I go to therapy once a week and take medication. I do what I have to do to feel the best I can. That’s all we can do.
About Marian Brennan
Marian Brennan is an author and children’s librarian. She holds a Master’s degree in Library Science from St. John’s College and a Bachelor’s degree in Literature from her College in Ramapo. Aside from her writing, Marianne enjoys yoga, hiking, art, and spending time with her family, friends, boyfriend, and dogs Abby and Paula. You can find more of her writing on her blog. https://www.mariannebrennanwrites.com/
